Pocket Taser (Adult)

[MAJWIZ]

Pocket Taser

THIS ONE PASSED THE "I LAUGHED SO HARD I COULDN'T BREATHE TEST"

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
I mean I was thinking of her safety!?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
(pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!

"What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....I m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, "Don't do it master", reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't possibly hurt all that
bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and......

HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,
do it again!

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution:
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that dang thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like HECK!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point) collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there?? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for
my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Sincerely,
Still in Shock

[bigsmellyfart]

Pocket Taser's have been
known to cause Pre-Mature ejaculation...
:h aha:

[Hellfighter]

had a friend last year at work had a Taser's in his working pants pocket

he bump into a beam it gone off every one was thinking he had a heart attack on the ground, some time later he got him self backup and taken that Taser's outta his pocket trash it, after he jump on it to break it up small parts

after he told me this i said to him, they were luck if they try to help you, they to be on the ground as will lol

he got taser from it about 20-50 times, he lost count jerking on the ground set it off even more!




one should never play with Odin toys!
you get a shock every time!

[Hellfighter]

double post