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Humor & Jokes Got a funny joke or a funny email? Post it so we can all laugh!

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Old 05-18-2006, 09:55 PM
Mstenger404 is offline Mstenger404
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...and asked the bear...


1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don’t have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
10. Day-old coffee is still coffee, right?
11. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stop for every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. “Baywatch”
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. “Sports Center” at 2:30 A.M.
16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why “Stripes” is so funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. You are never home when Oprah’s on.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So... notice anything different?”
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment.”
26. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National Collegiate Cheerleading Championship.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
36. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
37. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. Day-old doughnuts are still doughnuts, right?
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe. EVER.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don’t clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You think the “Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition” are hilarious.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don’t give a hoot if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking “He must be mad at me.”
60. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Did I mention “Sports Center”?
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just “too yukky looking.”
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work.... More pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You know what Jackson Browne’s ”Redneck Friend” is.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
79. Did I mention “Baywatch?”
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick butt over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends that you’ve “changed.”
86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “ **** it! ”
88. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
90. You don’t miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
91. Your last name stays put.
92. You understand the lyrics in all the Loudon Wainwright III songs.
93. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
94. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Enough said.
95. Even an old beat-up lawn mower reminds you of your 66 Pontiac GTO.
96. You know what Prince’s “Little Red Corvette” is.
97. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.
98. You can get into a non trivial pissing contest.
99. You can appreciate a 600-watt car stereo; you don’t have to turn it all the way up, right?
100. There is always a game on—somewhere!!

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