Liberals, Progressives, Democrats

[KU43]

What's the difference between a prostitute and a democrat? The prostitute gives a service for the money she takes.

What's the difference between a democrat and a bucket of crap? The bucket.

What's black and brown and looks good on a democrat? A Pitbull.

What's the definition of "a shame"? When a bus full of democrats go off a cliff and there is a empty set.

When Albert Einstein died he met three people in line outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time he ask what their IQs were.
The first said 190. "Wonderful" exclaimed Einstein." We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity." The second answered 150. "Good, I look foward to disscussing the roll of Gingrich's Contract with America legisation in moving us into the 21st century". The third mumbled 50. Einstein paused and then asked "What was it like being Speaker of the House Miss Pelosi?"

How many Republicans does it take to raise your taxes? Trick question, democrats raise taxes.

What's the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A puppy stops whining when it grows up.

What's the difference between a smart democrat and bigfoot? Bigfoot has actually been spotted.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a bad lawer? Chelsea Clinton.

How many democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a wise old democrat and a drunk were walking down the road and spot $100 bill. Who gets it? The drunk the other three are mythological beings.

What do you call a democrat in jail? Justice.

Liberals are like Seagulls. They squawk, eat crap and are protected by the government.

How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb? At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

You Might Be A Democrat If...

* You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
* You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
* You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
* You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
* You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
* You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
* You actually expect to collect Social Security.
* You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
* You think the Great Society has actually worked.
* You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
* Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
* You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
* Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
* You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
* You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
* You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
* You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
* You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
* You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
* You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
* You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
* You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
* You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
* You admire the Swedish welfare system.
* You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
* You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
* You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your spouse and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous
looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your
hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever
done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about
the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he
just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a
conclusion.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southern Conservative Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"