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Humor & Jokes Got a funny joke or a funny email? Post it so we can all laugh! |
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#1
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for ur amusement
> A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
> though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher > and > higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an > airplane. > The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did > you jump?" the father asked. > "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the > sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men > got up and just walked out of the plane!" > "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. > "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a > time and throw them out the door." > "Did you jump then?" asked the father. > "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man > left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He > ]told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." > "So, did you jump?" > "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the > door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The > Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. > He > said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' > "I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'" > So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I > swear, > it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! > "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this > little > baby up your ass.'" > "So, did you jump?" asked the father. > "Well, a little, at first..." > > > A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in > heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. > He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with > a > penis?" > The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one > with the tip of my finger." > St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and > pass > through the gate." > St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you > ever had any contact with a penis?" > The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and > stroked > one." > St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass > through > the gate." > All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one > nuns > is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front > of > the line St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!" > The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want > to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!" > > > Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do > first, Mary?" asked Scott. > "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight > guesser. > He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a > prize. > Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott > again asked Mary what she would like to do. > "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. > Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and > Scott > lost his dollar. > The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go > next. > "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott figured she > was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a > handshake. > Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" > Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy. > > > A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She > decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must > be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must > still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person." > On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened > the door to see a gray haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had > no arms or legs. She asked sardonically, "You're not really asking me to > consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" > The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" > She snorted, "You don't have any hands either!" > Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" > She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?" > With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the doorbell > didn't I?" > > > A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his > mum's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I > need a man!" > Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One > day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into > her > bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, > took > off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and > moaning "Oh, I need a bike, I need a bike > > > A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so > homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo > dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how > long > he slept. > So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a > date with this ravishing buxom blonde. > Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become > rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last > drink > for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have > this last drink at my apartment." > Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the > word, > "OK." > They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the > blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one > thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle." > He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda." > > > A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the > first glass and pours the champagne down the back of her skirt. The > bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down > her skirt back. > Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your > skirt?" > "Well, " the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the > only asshole I'm sharing it with." > > > Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going > to > learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a > multi-syllable word? > Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." > Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." > Little Johnny says, "No Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." > > > Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very > attractive > blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the > dice, and she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when > I'm completely nude." > With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice > while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! > I WON, I WON, I WON." > She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she > picks up her money and her clothes and the dealers just stare at each > other dumbfounded. > Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" |
#2
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LMAO
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#3
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LOL
THAT IS A LONG THREAD! |
#4
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Re: for ur amusement
Quote:
old i know, but roflmao!!!
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DF NAME: Dmndߵ||醙 or just db if ya can beat me I will give u a cookie MSN: db_dasniper@hotmail.com ICQ: 193056941 Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. supplied by Nev |
#5
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dammit SB, thats awesome...
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^ i cant spell... bower should be bauer... hell with it... Originally posted by blueprint If you weren't so great in bed I'd have to say that's ripping. |
#6
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fairly old thread
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#7
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thats some funny **** man
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#8
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Haha good ol' stevie, always funny
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I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein I tell the truth even w`en I lie. - Al Pacino, Scarface - ------------------------------ only the good die young |
#9
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LMAO good jokes Steve!!!!
Regards |
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