seasonal joke

[Stephen]

this was posted by al bundy from dea on our squad forum just sharing his work.

Torturing Santa

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes
crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that
big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs
that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the
chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon
as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have
missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with
a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate
out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a
dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.
When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say,
"Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes
and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure
to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got
a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map
with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to
get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a
distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's
in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act
like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."


The 3 Stages Of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus


Last Moment Gift


One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named
Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man
asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this." was the shop
owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then
Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she
was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot,
as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then
moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy
Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the
lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered,
eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared
his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of
his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[Northern Jedi]

n1

[BADDOG]

LMAO very, very good!!!!

Warm Regards

[Lucky]

LMAO