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Old 06-09-2004, 07:48 AM
Stalker61 is offline Stalker61
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Biggrin An Anthropological and Historiographic Guide to Guys

Prehistoric Guys

Prehistory was a very difficult time for humans. Back then the clan was the basic unit of society, with the roles of male and females clearly defined. The females cared for the young and gathered roots, which they would soak in water, then peel, then painstakingly pound for hours between two heavy rocks, and finally throw away. "We may be primitive, but we're not stupid enough to eat roots".

Thus basic food-gathering fell on the shoulders of the males, who would go off for days at a time to hunt dinosaur. This was hard work. They had to dig an enormous deep hole, then disguise it by covering it with frail branches, then hide in the bushes waiting for a dinosaur to come along and fall into the trap.

The hunters often waited for long periods, because, unbeknownst to them, dinosaurs had become extinct several million years earlier.

So the males sat around a lot. Some of them eventually became fidgety and went on to develop agriculture, invent primitive tools, etc.

But some males - these were the original guys - really liked sitting around. Eventually they stopped bothering to dig the hole. They'd just go out into the woods and sit.

"It's not easy, trying to catch dinosaurs," they would tell people, especially their wives.

Sitting around for no reason under the guise of being engaged in productive work was the first real guy contribution to human civilization, forming the underlying basis for many modern institutions and activities such as fishing, sales conferences, highway repair, the federal government and "Customer Service."

Guy Science Milestone

On Oct. 8, 1857 - decades before Thomas Edison began experimenting with various designs for an incandescent electric light - Alfred A. "Gus" Loogerhalter, working in a makeshift laboratory in his home, connected the leads from a crude lead-acid battery to the ends of a filament that he had inserted into a sealed glass globe from which he had pumped out all the oxygen. Nothing happened, so he invented the Whoopee Cushion.

Guys in the Modern Era

It may seem as though there is nothing more that guys could possibly accomplish, but they continue to make amazing strides forward right up to the present day.

Here's an article from the La Crosse, Wis. Tribune, sent by an alert reader named Sherryl Gingrich concerning these guys - Trygve Thompson, Richard Stakson and Dan Ellefson - from the town of Westby, Wis. These guys, all in their forties, had a few beers one winter's night and decided it would be a good idea to hurl themselves off a 30-meter ski jump.

In a canoe.

According to the article, the guys had talked about canoe-jumping for several years, and this particular night they just decided to do it. So they hauled a 16-foot canoe up to the top, got in and pushed off. The canoe flew down the jump, rocketed off into space, landed at the bottom traveling at 14,000 mph and flipped over. The three occupants suffered only cuts and bruises.

The article describes them as "three grown men with jobs and families." This may be. But when they got into that canoe - and I mean this as the highest compliment - they were guys.

Tips for Women: How to Have a Relationship With a Guy

Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy.

Of course, this guy has to be a Labrador Retriever.

With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anyone else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

There is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

Roger is thinking: Six months.

Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?

Roger is thinking...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am overdue for an oil change here.

Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieving cretin bastards six hundred dollars.

Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty, the scumballs.

Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger" Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovaks he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate with Roger about their relationship any more than she can play chess with a duck, because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is: Huh?

But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:

1.) Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant, no, POUND the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in everyday conversation, such as:

"Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!"

"Roger, this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship."

Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, "Elaine and I, we have........We have, ahhh........We.........We have this thing."

And he will sincerely mean it.

The next relationship-enhancement tip is:

2.) Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.

By "hasty," I mean, "within your lifetime."

The Aging Guy

What happens when guys get older? Do they get in touch with their inner feelings? Do they become mature and wise?

Don't be an idiot. Real guys do not mature. Emotionally, they remain guys. They still do guy stuff; the main difference is that, as they get older and earn more money and find themselves in positions of authority, they can do bigger guy stuff. They don't have to settle for merely dropping a commode off a rooftop to see what happens, they can have Air Force bombers.

A fine example of an aging guy retaining his essential guyness is George Bush. You may not agree with everything he says, but he’s definitely a guy. He'll go up to his compound in Maine, accompanied by the entire presidential entourage - aides, advisers, media experts, personal staff, dozens of press people, the Secret Service, the Coast Guard, squadrons of frogpersons, fleets of helicopters and several submersibles - just so he could drive around real fast in his motorboat. You'd see him on the TV news, zooming across the water, the president of the United States, with an expression identical to that of a 3-year-old boy pushing a little metal Tonka truck and making a motor sound with his lips, the way little boys instinctively do, like this: BRRRRMMMMM.

Looking at him, you knew that he was not thinking about the unemployment rate, or the status of his proposed federal budget, or problems in the Middle East. You knew exactly what he was thinking, because it was the same thing that every guy is thinking when he is driving a motorized vehicle really fast. George Bush, the Most Powerful Man in the Most Powerful Nation on Earth, the Leader of the Free World, was thinking: BRRRRMMMMM.

Girls, I hope this helps.
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