Go Back   Novahq.net Forum > Off-Topic > Humor & Jokes

Humor & Jokes Got a funny joke or a funny email? Post it so we can all laugh!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-04-2014, 05:42 PM
BigBob is offline BigBob
BigBob's Avatar
The One & Only

Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 27

Biggrin Pocket Taser

Subject: Pocket Taser

THIS ONE PASSED THE "I LAUGHED SO HARD I COULDN'T BREATHE TEST"

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
I mean I was thinking of her safety!?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
(pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!

"What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....I m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, "Don't do it master", reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't possibly hurt all that
bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and......

HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,
do it again!

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution:
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that dang thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like HECK!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point) collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there?? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for
my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Sincerely,
Still in Shock


Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-05-2014, 03:37 AM
Hellfighter is offline Hellfighter
Hellfighter's Avatar
Chief ADFP

Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: San Jose Calif 95111
Posts: 21,143

Send a message via ICQ to Hellfighter
now that was funny lmfao
yup have a friend do you in 1sec, so you wouldn't be holding the teaser in your hand 3-30sec or longer!
__________________
* altnews sources [getmo & others news] not found main FNN: realrawnews.com
*Discord: Unknown77#7121
Playing now days: EA Games> swtor [star wars old republic]
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:28 AM.




Powered by vBulletin®