more!!
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners
after a Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary
Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" ask Farther O'Grady.
"Oh,father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary. "My husband
passed away last night."
"Oh Mary!" said the father, "That's awful! Tell me Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
"Yes..." Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?" He said, "what was the last thing he said?"
Mary sighed... "He said, 'Please Mary, put the gun down.'"
A man is walking past a high wooden fence surrounding an insane asylum. As
he walks by he hears the people inside vigorously chanting, "Thirteen,
Thirteen, Thirteen."
His curiosity aroused, the man leans over and looks through a knot hole in
the fence. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Immediately, the chanting
inside turns to shouting, "Fourteen, Fourteen, Fourteen."
One day, a retarded boy and his father decide to take a trip to
the Grand Canyon.
Upon their arival in the giant crack, the father yells out
"HELLOOO!" They hear the echo going "Helloo!" "hellooo"
The retarded boy is amazed at the echo, and tries yelling
something himself, "Yeref erad uauff kaschader!" The echo came
back, "What the f^ck did you say?"
Three boys were in the desert with only one bottle of water
left. They were all very thirsty, so they had a dreaming
contest. Whoever had the best dream would get the water, so they
all went to sleep right away. When they woke up, the first boy
said, "I dreamed I won a lottery ticket." The second boy said,
"I dreamed I was immortal." The third boy said, "While you guys
were sleeping I drank the water."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "it's not just one car. There are hundreds
of them!"
Little Johnny came home from school crying his eyes out. His mother asked,
"Johnny why are you crying??" Johnny replied, "Because Stevie called me a
sissy!" "So, what did you do?" his mother asked. "I hit him with my purse!"
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"
she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice
saying, "The big sissy."
Sang to the tune of the alphabet
A b c d lsd, teddy bears are chasing me, green ones, red ones,
white ones too, the one behind me's got my shoe. **** this
stuff's too strong for me, next time I'll just stick with weed.
One day a guy heard a knock on his door, so he answered it and
no one was there. But he looked down and saw a snail. So he
picked up the snail and threw it as far as he could.
3 years later, the guy hears a knock on his door, so he answered
it and no one was there. He looked down and there was that same
snail. The snail said, "What the f^ck was that all about?!?!"
A salesman knocks on the door of a suburban house.
It's opened by a 10-year-old boy dressed in a cape that trails
along the floor behind him. On his head, he's wearing a large
tophat. In one hand, he holds a huge glass of brandy and in the
other, a remote control. In his mouth is a smoking cigar.
"Mom and Dad in?" asks the salesman.
The boy replies, "Does it f^cking look like it?"
Carol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed
in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to
this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is
offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Carol said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Carol said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.