When you're 4... success is... Not peeing in your pants.
When you're 12... success is... Having friends.
When you're 16... success is... Having A driver's license.
When you're 20... success is... Having sex.
When you're 35... success is... Having money.
When you're 50... success is... Having money.
When you're 60... success is... Having sex.
When you're 70... success is... Having A driver's license.
When you're 75... success is... Having friends.
When you're 80... success is... Not peeing in your pants.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down
for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what
you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God
is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very
hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a
huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later,
one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The
other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with
you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could
possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just
rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the
hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around
and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with
his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively asked the
lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good
baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then
why did you eat him?"
Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to
learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the
six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'."
All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw,
hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out
of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you
have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys: all on different
levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a
tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up
and see nothing but assholes.
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any
gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the
shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the
gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
How would you define "Mixed emotions?"
It's like seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new Porsche.
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was
sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man
looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope." As soon as the tourist
stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then
attacked both his arms and legs.
As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said
your dog didn't bite!" The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."
There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount
of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.
After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"What about you, what sort of control do you have over your
wife?" "Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and
knees."
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" "She then said,
'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'"
