Steve
01-18-2002, 07:30 AM
> A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
> though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
> and
> higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
> airplane.
> The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So,
did
> you jump?" the father asked.
> "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
> sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
> got up and just walked out of the plane!"
> "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
> "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
> time and throw them out the door."
> "Did you jump then?" asked the father.
> "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man
> left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
> ]told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
> "So, did you jump?"
> "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
> door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The
> Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
> He
> said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
> "I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"
> So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I
> swear,
> it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
> "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this
> little
> baby up your ass.'"
> "So, did you jump?" asked the father.
> "Well, a little, at first..."
>
>
> A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in
> heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
> He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with
> a
> penis?"
> The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one
> with the tip of my finger."
> St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and
> pass
> through the gate."
> St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have
you
> ever had any contact with a penis?"
> The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
> stroked
> one."
> St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass
> through
> the gate."
> All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one
> nuns
> is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front
> of
> the line St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!"
> The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want
> to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
>
>
> Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
> first, Mary?" asked Scott.
> "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
> guesser.
> He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a
> prize.
> Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott
> again asked Mary what she would like to do.
> "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
> Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and
> Scott
> lost his dollar.
> The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go
> next.
> "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott figured she
> was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
> handshake.
> Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
> Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.
>
>
> A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She
> decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must
> be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and
must
> still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person."
> On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened
> the door to see a gray haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had
> no arms or legs. She asked sardonically, "You're not really asking me to
> consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"
> The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
> She snorted, "You don't have any hands either!"
> Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
> She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
> With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the doorbell
> didn't I?"
>
>
> A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by
his
> mum's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I
> need a man!"
> Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One
> day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into
> her
> bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room,
> took
> off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and
> moaning "Oh, I need a bike, I need a bike
>
>
> A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so
> homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo
> dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how
> long
> he slept.
> So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a
> date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
> Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become
> rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last
> drink
> for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have
> this last drink at my apartment."
> Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the
> word,
> "OK."
> They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the
> blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's
one
> thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
> He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
>
>
> A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the
> first glass and pours the champagne down the back of her skirt. The
> bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down
> her skirt back.
> Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your
> skirt?"
> "Well, " the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the
> only asshole I'm sharing it with."
>
>
> Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
> to
> learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
> multi-syllable word?
> Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
> Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
> Little Johnny says, "No Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
>
>
> Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very
> attractive
> blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the
> dice, and she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
> I'm completely nude."
> With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice
> while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES,
YES!!
> I WON, I WON, I WON."
> She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she
> picks up her money and her clothes and the dealers just stare at each
> other dumbfounded.
> Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
> though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
> and
> higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
> airplane.
> The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So,
did
> you jump?" the father asked.
> "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
> sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
> got up and just walked out of the plane!"
> "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
> "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
> time and throw them out the door."
> "Did you jump then?" asked the father.
> "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man
> left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
> ]told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
> "So, did you jump?"
> "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
> door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The
> Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
> He
> said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
> "I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"
> So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I
> swear,
> it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
> "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this
> little
> baby up your ass.'"
> "So, did you jump?" asked the father.
> "Well, a little, at first..."
>
>
> A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in
> heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
> He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with
> a
> penis?"
> The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one
> with the tip of my finger."
> St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and
> pass
> through the gate."
> St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have
you
> ever had any contact with a penis?"
> The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
> stroked
> one."
> St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass
> through
> the gate."
> All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one
> nuns
> is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front
> of
> the line St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!"
> The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want
> to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
>
>
> Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
> first, Mary?" asked Scott.
> "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
> guesser.
> He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a
> prize.
> Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott
> again asked Mary what she would like to do.
> "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
> Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and
> Scott
> lost his dollar.
> The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go
> next.
> "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott figured she
> was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
> handshake.
> Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
> Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.
>
>
> A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She
> decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must
> be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and
must
> still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person."
> On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened
> the door to see a gray haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had
> no arms or legs. She asked sardonically, "You're not really asking me to
> consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"
> The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
> She snorted, "You don't have any hands either!"
> Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
> She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
> With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the doorbell
> didn't I?"
>
>
> A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by
his
> mum's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I
> need a man!"
> Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One
> day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into
> her
> bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room,
> took
> off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and
> moaning "Oh, I need a bike, I need a bike
>
>
> A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so
> homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo
> dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how
> long
> he slept.
> So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a
> date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
> Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become
> rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last
> drink
> for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have
> this last drink at my apartment."
> Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the
> word,
> "OK."
> They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the
> blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's
one
> thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
> He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
>
>
> A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the
> first glass and pours the champagne down the back of her skirt. The
> bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down
> her skirt back.
> Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your
> skirt?"
> "Well, " the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the
> only asshole I'm sharing it with."
>
>
> Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
> to
> learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
> multi-syllable word?
> Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
> Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
> Little Johnny says, "No Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
>
>
> Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very
> attractive
> blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the
> dice, and she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
> I'm completely nude."
> With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice
> while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES,
YES!!
> I WON, I WON, I WON."
> She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she
> picks up her money and her clothes and the dealers just stare at each
> other dumbfounded.
> Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"